Nearing the End

This isn’t about December 21st.

This is about the nearing end of a pattern I’ve always been curious about.

My employer, Windhorse, has asked me to leave. This news was delivered to me by my supervisor. One on hand, it wasn’t a huge surprise that I would be leaving; I actually saw it coming – in my dreams and meditations.

What surprised me was the timing [holiday season – no one is around & total unpreparedness] and reasons behind her/their decision [and circumstances; let’s throw that in there too].

It seemed the reason was a huge difference in perspectives with regards to the Windhorse Model. She [my supervisor] even gave the imagery of she and I holding the opposite ends of a ribbon – I’m pulling Windhorse in one direction and she’s pulling it in another direction. This is what I thought was the reason was. A conversation with someone that was not involved in the events that led to this decision brought to my attention that he was told something different; he also suggested more conversation around the issue.

Okay, so first my supervisor says she’s felt overwhelmed, filled with the depth of my expression, to the point of feeling a bit scattered after our sessions. In this statement, I immediately felt sorry for sharing my passion for what it is I wish to fulfill in life. Perhaps I shouldn’t have shared…too much? Whom else was I supposed to share it with? Was this not part of the reason housemates have one-to-one sessions?

But that is a part of the model – to bring in your experiences for the benefit of the community and relationship; it says so in the text my Edward Podvoll, page 256….

And now, I sit here confused because…well, it appears that there are two different stories floating around. So it seems.

I have since requested mediation, to gain clarity and put this to rest.

The largest issue at hand is – not having a place to go or enough money in my pocket. I’m not sure if they were aware of this. I do not have family on the west coast, nor do I have friends that I could ‘stay’ with until I ‘figure’ things out. I let the ones I thought would be great friends, go. My needs were not being met – my desire to be expansive and work on purpose, that which is larger than myself, was not something I saw in the ‘friends’ I did have. Their work was more on the coming back to self’, self appreciation – within those realms. Healing at a level that I was not at and am not willing to linger in. I felt claustrophobic and not supported in what my soul was calling me to do.

So I let them go; albeit long before the decision to be let go by Windhorse.

Hey! I’m just noticing the similarity of the staff within Windhorse to my former friends – they’re all at a level of relating that’s not large enough for me.

This isn’t a bad place to be; I’m not saying it’s bad or wrong – it’s a part of the process or personal development. But to be surrounded by it ALL of the time, and not have anyone I could turn to with regards to my quest, research and inquiry? It’s draining and I’ve felt small trying to fit in.

It makes me feel small. So I left them to be with each other, to support each other without having to be met with my constant pushing away. Now  I’m seeing this at Windhorse with the staff. Not a bad place to be with regards to relationship, especially with clients in recovery; it’s just not how or the way I relate. My context is all about purpose and origin; documenting  my dreams and piecing together the pieces of the puzzles; transcending conditioning to discover the truest identity and nature of ‘self’, and developing artwork that supports this deep inner journey because my predecessors planned this with me…that’s where I play! And I love it there. I feel alive and I thrive when engaged in this process. Who wouldn’t want to feel alive and thrive in such meaningful work??

 

So I’m not mad or upset about being let go from Windhorse…I’m confused as to what the reason is. Why are there different stories? I am hoping mediation clears it up.

 

Nevertheless, it doesn’t solve the ‘where am I going to live’ & ‘how will I support myself’ part.

The upside – I do know where I want to go:

The OPUS Archives and Research Center in Santa Barbara has the source materials I need to support the foundation of my project. This is research I’ve been dying to dig my nails and sink my teeth into! I want to share my ‘self’, my existence and show how the published [and unpublished] works of pioneers in the field of mythology and psychology both support and affirm what I’ve experienced. My experience isn’t only validated by a force greater than myself – it’s affirmed by the great thinkers in these fields. It’s also a great starting point for me to have when presenting a proposal to dancers I wish to collaborate with, and a means to invite skilled analysts, scholars, expressive art therapists, etc, on to my team.

And! Best of all, around the same time I was given the news, I stumbled across the OPUS announcement for their 2013 grant.

I am going to apply for it.

Some will say “There’s no guarantee”. That’s true, only I’m not going to stop there. I will still request time to research at the OPUS. I’ve already signed up with Fractured Atlas to gain access to fiscal sponsorship [filling out my application along with the grant proposal] so that I can get funding. I’m putting in overtime.

January 7, 2013 is near.

____________________________

So I ask you, readers, what ideas might you have that I can look into? What are your thoughts on the matter of ‘where to’ and ‘how to’?

I’m totally open to suggestions, comments, and inquiries.

What more do I have to lose?

 

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