Worth & Value, Pt. 2

So there is a part 2….

 

Checking in, I feel – Unhappy. Unsettled. Not in Bliss.

And that is painful. It is a painful place for me, right now, in these moments…for the past week, actually. Chest pains with the immediate thought of what’s caused my state of unhappiness, is a clear indicator that something is ‘wrong’.

When I say ‘wrong’ I mean ‘out of alignment’. I do NOT like being out of alignment.

Yes, I am working on getting out of it. There is this peculiar quality about that I am curious about, though. It’s almost as if there’s a lump within it, waiting to be hacked up and…inspected before flushing it down the toilet. Or maybe it’s a nugget of realization making its way through the muck I’m feeling.

Let’s back up for a moment to what it was that got me here:

This whole relationship quality that’s within my place of work.

Okay, I don’t mind relating to others; I mind it when it’s suffocating or in a place that’s too limiting for me. It’s not a matter of good or bad; it’s not about one’s way of processing being above another’s.

It’s identifying that my way of processing is much faster than most; my outlook and view is different, and where it is I am choosing to be is not where a lot of people are…or maybe not even where they want to be. Or not the same flavor of where I am.

I’m not interested in relating in a humanistic way. Gosh, I’m not even sure if you’ll get what I’m saying. On the level of humanistic psychology – in that realm – I’m not interested in remaining there. There is SO much more beyond that, that’s where I reside. I seek to continuously expand outward..onward..beyond this process of self-acceptance.

“Yes I got that, now let’s move on already!”

That’s where I am.

Be it about purpose and meaning…fine. The point is, once I’ve cleared, revealed and assimilated, I move on. I don’t seek to recreate that moment. It cuts me off from the ‘more’ that is to come. Yes, it was nice mingling with everyone. Okay, now I seek to go, and No, I’m not interested in trying to recreate that atmosphere. I seek new, different experiences.  While I value what happened, I do not seek to recreate it over, and over, and over again.

Is this making sense?

Think transpersonal – cause that’s where I am. It’s where I’ve always been.

And that’s the secret I’ve kept to myself for 27yrs.

.:.sigh.:.

So here I am, at this place of work, where I thought I could be the ever expansive individual that I am, only to find that this place of work cannot fully support the ever expansive quality that is.

So, as to not become depressed and fall out of my role here, I am sitting with the realization of that truth, and seeking ways to create my World.

A large feat, it is. And one I take pleasure in.

Yet, It is still painful. This place that I am in. I’ve revealed myself…too much o’myself, actually, only to be told, this is not the place.

I’d assumed too much…way too much. So I will create a world where it is understood –

It’s fully understood that being expansive IS inherent. All assumptions aside.

I know it is possible.

It is possible to create a world where authenticity is all that’s required.

If it’s not already out there, then I need to make it so that it is.

Here’s to drafting…

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