Requiem in D Minor – Part 3

****

God I can’t believe I’m pregnant already!  We just started dating…

Celest paced back and forth in the loft area of her studio, contemplating between calling Demetri or the abortion clinic to make an appointment.  She hadn’t called her mother to tell her the news yet, but that wasn’t important.  How could she bring herself to tell anyone else of she can’t even let it sink in.  Besides, she was expecting a phone call from Demetri.  She knew Joshua saw the applicator with the double blue line, it was blue like his tie too, and she just freaked out because she knew that Demetri would now know.  So now, she wasn’t sure if she should call or not say anything.

“Oh Mother Sophia he’d get mad at me for not saying anything.”

            Stop talking to yourself.

“I don’t know who else to talk to.”

Call him…

It was like a voice of a jester, a mockery; call him…with the m of the ‘him’ being extended in a hum and it unnerved Celest to the extreme.  Do I call or do I not call

Chewing gently on her lip, Celest glances at the clock, a quarter past three?, and then at her cell phone and contemplates on leaving him a message at the office where she won’t have to talk to him but just hear his voice from the voice mail system.  Or should I call his cell phone and…

“Celest…”

A freeze frame of an old, black and white movie as Celest hears a muffled version of her name through the door of her studio.  She didn’t even look at the door but at the window, holding the cell phone deftly in the palm of her hand, admiring at how slowly the earth is rotating and the slow movement of the tree branches at her window, that old black and white movie in color.

“Celest.”

Just my name, she thought, he just only needs to say my name and I already know.             He knows.

“Celest, please.”

Just breathe…Her heart beats in her ears and her chest drums loudly and she walks as if in a trance towards that voice behind the door.  Are we going to keep it or get rid of it, the baby?  She stops in front of the door and thinks about how things will be if she kept the baby but then would she have to get married or what?  These thoughts, like a scrolling marquee flashed through her mind as she raised her hand to unlock the door to let him in.

            We will discuss this, we have to.

            I will not cry…

****

I called out to her twice and waited because I knew that she was home, I could feel her through the door, feel her fear and helplessness that a fearful pregnant, woman in a fresh relationship would have and hoped that she would open the door because if I left now I wouldn’t be able to come back, I would lose that strength I’d thought so proudly of back at the office and then we’d both be in a panic, be angry at each other, blame each other, me blame her for trying to trap me and her blame me for knocking her up without caring, and I didn’t want that, she is a lovely woman and I love her; I’m in love with her, I realize that as she unlocks the door and leaves it ajar, inviting me in but I do not see her through the crack of the door, but I do see her when I push the door open enough for me to get in and close it and seeing her stand right behind it, eyes cast down like a bashful child, as if she’d done something wrong, and doesn’t look up at me when I say her name one more time, more softly than before because she’s standing before me now, but she looks at the window as if it were more interesting than me, ‘Celest, look at me’ I say and she looks down again before slowly looking up, her eyes traveling up taking in every stitch that exists in my clothing, but she finally reaches my eyes and I see the tears that have fallen and the tears that are still falling, cascading at a steady beat to our melody; I take her chin gently into my hand, wipe a tear with my thumb and just stare at her not knowing what to say because it’s already been said and not knowing how to say it because it needs to be said, to be heard, but instead I pull her to me and exhale triumphantly because she’s just as fallen as I am and is glad just as I am that the feeling is mutual and not what she had expected, and I think she expected it to be noisy and ugly because she was afraid to tell me but relieved that I came to her first, showing her that I do care, I do care because I am in love and I know she is because she has said it in her sleep a few times before as we slept together but with us only being together for nine months I thought it was too soon and hadn’t realized I had fallen in love the third night but realized it just now as I comforted her and that soon we will be looking for a babysitter because I will be saying, ‘Hun, let’s go to the islands for the weekend, the Bahamas maybe, and then to Scotland for the next two weeks, spend a couple of days in New York City before we head to San Francisco and then take a road trip back to Houston,’ only it will be Dallas, the road trip will be back to Dallas.

______

Written 2006

© Alaya AD

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