Realization from a Phone Conversation

I wanted to let a faculty member know that I have with me the blessings and knowledge of my truest/essential self, predecessors and ancestors. What it is I seek to bring into the world is something that was agreed upon before even coming here. This is not only my personal belief, it is also something that was revealed to me through my dreams over the course of my 28 years.

What was it that stood out for me in our conversation? That I am going to be dealing with the ‘Western Mindset’ so the program fits this fact.

Wow.

Yes, that is a huge realization to me. Why? I wasn’t raised with a Western Mindset. I wasn’t raised with a closed Traditional mindset. I was raised ‘beneath the radar’. Given a taste of both, yet constantly encouraged to ALWAYS go within to find the answers; listen to what you feel from within  and always pay attention to your dreams. To this day I still engage in the act and process of listening in. It is a lot more refined, having become my way of doing and being.

Coming to terms with the Western Mindset is not the issue – it’s discovering a way, a tool that I can use in order to get going. All that I have spoken about to many people, especially with regards to sharing some insights on my work, it has usually turned them away. They cannot relate. Or, I’m so fascinating that I appear to be out of reach – some foreign being that just does not belong and they wonder how I’ve made it this far.

I sometimes wonder the same thing…

I had this conversation nearly a week ago; I will allow it to marinate a little longer. It can be used as a guide for creating ‘structure’.

Hmm…..

UnReal…

As a short recap, I was asked to leave my place of employment in December of 2012. My official last day was January 7, 2013.

Many things happened between then and now. A short summary of events that led up to the cause for this post:

In an effort to find a job, I was relocated [from Bakersfield to Ontario] to the friend’s townhouse of my ex-boyfriend….a woman with Lupus. Why is stating her condition relevant? She constantly points out how getting angry can cause her to have a flare up; I’ve mentioned to her that I can relate because once I get stressed beyond what I can handle, I fall into a Hemolytic Episode. I don’t think it really matters to her…

At the time, early February, I had access to a car [one of his cars], so I took the opportunity to get out and seek places of employment.

Things began to go south between me and my boyfriend at the time; I was okay with it since I had no desire to be with someone that would not listen to me…at all. No matter what I said, how I explained it, things just didn’t pan out in a way that left me feeling comfortable. He’s very ‘black & white’. That’s not how I operate.

After the car was taken away, I was left to my devices…walk or take the bus. Seeing as I have not had much cash to take the bus, I have spent my time developing my research, seeking networks for future endeavors, and struggling with a computer that shuts off when it so pleases.

So here I am, preparing to finally leave…when this woman decides to point out the dirtiness of the bathroom.

My response – it was pretty  much like that when I got here.

She went berserk…and I haven’t seen a woman of color go berserk since the days I used to watch drama morning shows back in the 90′s [okay, that's a slight exaggeration, but she did do the head and finger movements of anger and attitude].

She pointed out that I use it, so I should clean it. I said that I’ve cleaned the toilet and the floor of the shower in the ten times I’ve showered. Ahem, yes I’ve been using the bathroom sink to clean myself because I find it odd that I have to clean up behind her 21 year old nephew.

She states that he works; I respond that he has Thursdays and Fridays off and suggest that she speak to him about cleaning up behind himself.

That pissed her off even more. She pointed out that I sit in my room all day, doing nothing, never picked up a broom or a mop to clean the  kitchen floor, and finished off with calling me lazy.

I pointed out that there are times I am not even in the house, that if I’m in my room, I am engaged with getting my craft in order [I don't think doing research on dreams and their role on the development of identity and destiny really matters  or makes sense to her], and that yes, I have not cleaned the kitchen floor since I’ve been here. I will of course take responsibility for not having done that. [yes I said all of this minus the brackets]

She got so outraged that she said she would kick me out the following day if I didn’t clean the bathroom. I responded that I would not clean it alone. She didn’t seem to like that; so she calls the ex-boyfriend [her friend] and complained.

He calls me and asks what’s going on. I couldn’t put it into words. He then asks why I haven’t cleaned the bathroom. I told him the whole story, from the beginning – she has not only complained about the uncleanliness of her son and nephew, she’s complained and nitpicked at things I have not contributed to. She stopped complaining about the dishes in the drainer when she witnessed me drying off my dishes as soon as I would finish washing them. He asked me to just clean the shower…I said I will not do it alone. End of discussion.

Now for her to throw a fit in this way…

…simply pointed to a much larger issue. One I will not go into.

Really? Are you seriously going to expect me to be a maid, to clean up behind everyone during my two month paid stay, when THAT was not the agreement? Am I REALLY missing something?

I honestly think not. I clean up behind myself. You would not be able to tell I was in the kitchen..apart from the lingering aroma of cooked food if I used the stove. However, the bathroom would be done as a semi-joint venture. I will stay in and clean to the extent I can handle the smell of the cleaner. Not too good for my blood. Her nephew will burden the rest.

[The nephew and I tag-teamed the bathroom anyway, him doing the most work]

Then there’s the thing when her ‘adult’ children [19 and 21] visit her. They leave the place a MESS. Who should clean it? Definitely not me. Not apologizing for it. Even if you throw in the ‘principle’ card. I bet there will be different perspectives on that one….

If I was not dealing with my ancestors and my predecessors [yes, there is a HUGE difference between the two in my case] at this time, or not engaged in the work I am doing involving their presence, I would not be posting about this…and I would not be who I am. I’m not using the tutoring sessions I am getting from them as an excuse to not clean the bathroom or clean the kitchen floor. My focus is on paying attention to the knowledge they are giving to me, and to make sure I don’t leave a mess behind myself. That’s it.

Oh, and finding time to eat, because I tend to get carried away with my work/lessons/craft; now to include making preparations to depart from these dwellings.

This ENTIRE experience – from arriving in California to now leaving, has shown me something VERY valuable. Moving forward will be done with a fine toothed comb; especially with regards to creating relationships [be they business or personal].

I need to munch on something sweet…..

Curious

I’m curious about this topic of becoming a writer and developing a following.

Are you supposed to write about things that people relate to, or write authentically and not be concerned on whether or not people can relate?

Isn’t it mostly about relating that causes people to follow? 

What if you write about things people have no experience of? Things they just simply cannot relate to? Then what do you do?

Keep writing – yes. But then the writing becomes a private affair; a deep love only known to the writer and the chosen tools to write. 

Any thoughts?

Saturn Return and starting all over…AGAIN.

Yes, here I am, at age 28…knocked completely off my feet. I thought the demolition of my values, views, beliefs and perspective of the world, life and existence that were destroyed back in 2011 and 2012, WAS the carpet being pulled from beneath my feet.

I suppose that was just the preview. For now, the carpet really is gone.

The appetizer…and now the main course. You are given a sense of what it’s like to have your foundation obliterated, an opportunity to build from within, and then are thrown into the arena to test what you’ve built.

Not many people know what a Saturn Return is, or at least not by its name. It’s that period between the ages of 27 and 29 where the Universe/Life/insert concept here says “Ok, you’re coming into adulthood now. Time to sit down and re-evaluate everything. Go into adulthood with your OWN values and what not. I’ll see you again in another 28years to check up on your progress.”

It’s the point in your life where Saturn returns to its original position in your birth chart when you were born. There’s a lot more precious, accurate and clear info online, if you’re interested in reading more about it.

Nevertheless, I am trying my best to keep my head above the water. I seriously thought I landed a wonderful opportunity in San Luis Obispo – apparently it was a short lived activity, and something I was not to be doing for the remainder of my life…

Jobless, penniless, and sometimes without enough food to eat..the only thing to keep me going is…faith in…?

I am currently staying in Ontario, California, in a room. Some place safe, nonetheless. I guess that’s what’s most important. Having gone through my inventory, I’m seeing the point and purpose of this time…doing my best to take advantage of it…and also hoping that the people that around me at this time remain compassionate.

That can hold up but for so long. Because I do not share the same views, it is really hard to describe my take on what’s going on; of course not without sounding like a lunatic, or a fanatic of astrology with no ‘realistic goals’.

I’ll post later on how I got to Ontario; it all started in San Luis Obispo with dreams of me travelling. Yes, I knew I’d be traveling back in October 2012. I didn’t understand the dreams, or have a sense of timing. I just knew that I’d be traveling.

Why would I? I just landed an awesome job. Travel where and why? For what point and purpose?

 

Well, here I am now. And I know I’ll be moving yet again – with only my art supplies, some clothes, and important documents, enough to pack a small coupe.

By biggest realization today was – how does one bring into existence that which does not exist when there isn’t a place that is supportive of it?

For it is one thing to bring something into existence that does not yet exist [it's what we normally do], and another to do so and find that there isn’t a sustainable environment in existence to nurture it…Yet.

Saturn’s lessons are…challenging.

 

Nearing the End

This isn’t about December 21st.

This is about the nearing end of a pattern I’ve always been curious about.

My employer, Windhorse, has asked me to leave. This news was delivered to me by my supervisor. One on hand, it wasn’t a huge surprise that I would be leaving; I actually saw it coming – in my dreams and meditations.

What surprised me was the timing [holiday season - no one is around & total unpreparedness] and reasons behind her/their decision [and circumstances; let's throw that in there too].

It seemed the reason was a huge difference in perspectives with regards to the Windhorse Model. She [my supervisor] even gave the imagery of she and I holding the opposite ends of a ribbon – I’m pulling Windhorse in one direction and she’s pulling it in another direction. This is what I thought was the reason was. A conversation with someone that was not involved in the events that led to this decision brought to my attention that he was told something different; he also suggested more conversation around the issue.

Okay, so first my supervisor says she’s felt overwhelmed, filled with the depth of my expression, to the point of feeling a bit scattered after our sessions. In this statement, I immediately felt sorry for sharing my passion for what it is I wish to fulfill in life. Perhaps I shouldn’t have shared…too much? Whom else was I supposed to share it with? Was this not part of the reason housemates have one-to-one sessions?

But that is a part of the model – to bring in your experiences for the benefit of the community and relationship; it says so in the text my Edward Podvoll, page 256….

And now, I sit here confused because…well, it appears that there are two different stories floating around. So it seems.

I have since requested mediation, to gain clarity and put this to rest.

The largest issue at hand is – not having a place to go or enough money in my pocket. I’m not sure if they were aware of this. I do not have family on the west coast, nor do I have friends that I could ‘stay’ with until I ‘figure’ things out. I let the ones I thought would be great friends, go. My needs were not being met – my desire to be expansive and work on purpose, that which is larger than myself, was not something I saw in the ‘friends’ I did have. Their work was more on the coming back to self’, self appreciation – within those realms. Healing at a level that I was not at and am not willing to linger in. I felt claustrophobic and not supported in what my soul was calling me to do.

So I let them go; albeit long before the decision to be let go by Windhorse.

Hey! I’m just noticing the similarity of the staff within Windhorse to my former friends – they’re all at a level of relating that’s not large enough for me.

This isn’t a bad place to be; I’m not saying it’s bad or wrong – it’s a part of the process or personal development. But to be surrounded by it ALL of the time, and not have anyone I could turn to with regards to my quest, research and inquiry? It’s draining and I’ve felt small trying to fit in.

It makes me feel small. So I left them to be with each other, to support each other without having to be met with my constant pushing away. Now  I’m seeing this at Windhorse with the staff. Not a bad place to be with regards to relationship, especially with clients in recovery; it’s just not how or the way I relate. My context is all about purpose and origin; documenting  my dreams and piecing together the pieces of the puzzles; transcending conditioning to discover the truest identity and nature of ‘self’, and developing artwork that supports this deep inner journey because my predecessors planned this with me…that’s where I play! And I love it there. I feel alive and I thrive when engaged in this process. Who wouldn’t want to feel alive and thrive in such meaningful work??

 

So I’m not mad or upset about being let go from Windhorse…I’m confused as to what the reason is. Why are there different stories? I am hoping mediation clears it up.

 

Nevertheless, it doesn’t solve the ‘where am I going to live’ & ‘how will I support myself’ part.

The upside – I do know where I want to go:

The OPUS Archives and Research Center in Santa Barbara has the source materials I need to support the foundation of my project. This is research I’ve been dying to dig my nails and sink my teeth into! I want to share my ‘self’, my existence and show how the published [and unpublished] works of pioneers in the field of mythology and psychology both support and affirm what I’ve experienced. My experience isn’t only validated by a force greater than myself – it’s affirmed by the great thinkers in these fields. It’s also a great starting point for me to have when presenting a proposal to dancers I wish to collaborate with, and a means to invite skilled analysts, scholars, expressive art therapists, etc, on to my team.

And! Best of all, around the same time I was given the news, I stumbled across the OPUS announcement for their 2013 grant.

I am going to apply for it.

Some will say “There’s no guarantee”. That’s true, only I’m not going to stop there. I will still request time to research at the OPUS. I’ve already signed up with Fractured Atlas to gain access to fiscal sponsorship [filling out my application along with the grant proposal] so that I can get funding. I’m putting in overtime.

January 7, 2013 is near.

____________________________

So I ask you, readers, what ideas might you have that I can look into? What are your thoughts on the matter of ‘where to’ and ‘how to’?

I’m totally open to suggestions, comments, and inquiries.

What more do I have to lose?

 

Worth & Value, Pt. 2

So there is a part 2….

 

Checking in, I feel – Unhappy. Unsettled. Not in Bliss.

And that is painful. It is a painful place for me, right now, in these moments…for the past week, actually. Chest pains with the immediate thought of what’s caused my state of unhappiness, is a clear indicator that something is ‘wrong’.

When I say ‘wrong’ I mean ‘out of alignment’. I do NOT like being out of alignment.

Yes, I am working on getting out of it. There is this peculiar quality about that I am curious about, though. It’s almost as if there’s a lump within it, waiting to be hacked up and…inspected before flushing it down the toilet. Or maybe it’s a nugget of realization making its way through the muck I’m feeling.

Let’s back up for a moment to what it was that got me here:

This whole relationship quality that’s within my place of work.

Okay, I don’t mind relating to others; I mind it when it’s suffocating or in a place that’s too limiting for me. It’s not a matter of good or bad; it’s not about one’s way of processing being above another’s.

It’s identifying that my way of processing is much faster than most; my outlook and view is different, and where it is I am choosing to be is not where a lot of people are…or maybe not even where they want to be. Or not the same flavor of where I am.

I’m not interested in relating in a humanistic way. Gosh, I’m not even sure if you’ll get what I’m saying. On the level of humanistic psychology – in that realm – I’m not interested in remaining there. There is SO much more beyond that, that’s where I reside. I seek to continuously expand outward..onward..beyond this process of self-acceptance.

“Yes I got that, now let’s move on already!”

That’s where I am.

Be it about purpose and meaning…fine. The point is, once I’ve cleared, revealed and assimilated, I move on. I don’t seek to recreate that moment. It cuts me off from the ‘more’ that is to come. Yes, it was nice mingling with everyone. Okay, now I seek to go, and No, I’m not interested in trying to recreate that atmosphere. I seek new, different experiences.  While I value what happened, I do not seek to recreate it over, and over, and over again.

Is this making sense?

Think transpersonal – cause that’s where I am. It’s where I’ve always been.

And that’s the secret I’ve kept to myself for 27yrs.

.:.sigh.:.

So here I am, at this place of work, where I thought I could be the ever expansive individual that I am, only to find that this place of work cannot fully support the ever expansive quality that is.

So, as to not become depressed and fall out of my role here, I am sitting with the realization of that truth, and seeking ways to create my World.

A large feat, it is. And one I take pleasure in.

Yet, It is still painful. This place that I am in. I’ve revealed myself…too much o’myself, actually, only to be told, this is not the place.

I’d assumed too much…way too much. So I will create a world where it is understood -

It’s fully understood that being expansive IS inherent. All assumptions aside.

I know it is possible.

It is possible to create a world where authenticity is all that’s required.

If it’s not already out there, then I need to make it so that it is.

Here’s to drafting…

Worth & Value, Pt. 1

I don’t know how many parts there are to this…so for now, I’ll just say this is the first part possibly more.

I’ve spent money on scrapbook paper that speaks to my work.

I’ve purchased distress inks and beautiful stamps to capture the feel of antiquity.

Had a custom stamp designed for all of my custom work -”Handmade with Bliss by Alaya AD.”

Never having made a scroll using brass tubing, I’ve spent money on that too – some sizes were too small, and the right size – well – cost a little more than expected.

I’ve enrolled myself into a Jewelry Design and Wire Working course at the online Sheffield School –  a way of developing a second source of income JUST for my work.

I’ve finally found the perfect metal to craft my keys – decorated flat brass, copper, and diamond cut sterling silver ; none of which are cheap.

I’ve paid 2 designers to work on a monogram for ‘basic stationery’ printing and a wax seal. When things start rolling, I’ll hire a designer I’ve got my sights on to do an awesome overhaul [although I like what I have for the moment] & that speaks to what I am working on. That’s reserved for the end of next year. The investment is reasonable… Right now I cannot afford it.

Yet when I do get the ultimate design, I will turn to the wax seal designer and have another seal created.

All of this, spending a large amount of money to where I’d have nothing left in the bank – is a pleasure. I’ve never felt so at bliss with working on something larger than myself…for myself…and in preparation to share with others.

It has never been this…peaceful!

That goes without saying – my rent and food are paid for. So that allows a lot of room for purchasing supplies.

I’ve also had to give money to my mother from each paycheck – for about one month thus far- to support her. I’m okay with that. I felt a little down for telling her I couldn’t do it for the next two paychecks if I’m purchasing a ticket to fly to her at the end of December.

She’s not working and her situation isn’t really good at all.

The push and pull – of wanting to be there, yet also wanting to honor oneself.

Boundaries…

Honesty….

Integrity….

I’m not paid much…less than a grand per month… It’s been fruitful, though. I’ve managed to get a hold of key individuals to add to my Team – the very TEAM I spoke about in earlier posts! That’s Awesome!

I’m now sitting with the idea of fiscal sponsorship and seeking grants. It will come to that. If I’m going to have consultants on board – they are going to need to be compensated. Everyone KNOWS I am still in the planning stages. Thank goodness for patience and understanding!

Patience – I am glad to report that I am doing really well with that. All things will happen in time.

And while I support my mother’s decisions, I will do what I can to help her with what I have. Things will open up for her – there’s something to be learned in every situation.

Anyway, I’m going off on a tangent.

All of what I’ve spent thus far – worth every second, minute, penny…

 

Preparation

I suppose…

As I prepare the items necessary for my Work – monograms, fonts, paper, and metal supplies – I find myself wondering about the amount of writing that should be done.

It’s something that should happen naturally – it is an organic process. Nothing shall be forced..it shall flow smoothly and in its own rhythm and timing.

….all of which I need to remind myself of.  It will happen in its own time; less is more.

This is invigorating, while at the same time…

Lineage Begins…

I’ve initiated the journey into my past.

The desire to tell is what awakened my predecessors…my desire to know is what supports the ongoing dialogue.

Soon, I will uncover the origins of my maternal lineage, since, it is from here the Ancients have arisen…and from here where all things rest…

 

Grrrr…

I searched all day today for a writing tool to help me organize an idea I have – from storytelling software to storytelling online courses…in the end, it was a big FAIL.

I can be such a scatter brain…and I can over think things as well:

     Is it clear enough? 

     IS it captivating enough?

      Am I structuring it Right??

      How do I start it off?

And as I write this to you, it is becoming clear…

But I do have to back up for a bit – my roommate looked at me across the table during my frustrated outburst and stated that I already have all of the answers.

And she’s totally right.

So we scheduled a time where she and I could sit and talk about how to start off my letters and short creative projects [yes, she and I have to utilize our 'Google' calendars to get time in].

On top of all of this hoo-ra-ra, I am reserving the larger scale of my story for my memoir. Coaching shall commence at the start of 2013 [I've picked out my writing coach, a Jungian analyst, composers, and am happy about how my team for this project is coming together...] so this leaves me plenty of creative space for smaller projects. I can take some of the dreams and create from them.

Duh….

The perfection I strive for is simply the one I create.

 

It is my world, after all…is it not?